Change
I've been writing this post in my mind for the past several weeks--planning how and when I would tell the world that I was pregnant. But those words have crumbled away and now the reality ahead of me looks quite different than it did a week ago.
A week ago I happily unpacked two articles of clothing I bought online at a huge discount because they were out of season--I was so proud of myself. My first two pieces of maternity clothing bought with hope and expectation. I was looking forward to wearing them this summer when I was 7 and 8 months pregnant.
A week ago I happily told a few close co-worker friends that I'd be seeing my baby's heartbeat that afternoon at the ultrasound appointment.
A week ago I was deciding when to announce my pregnancy to the teachers at school and thinking about how I would adjust to staying at home with a new baby at the start of next school year.
A week ago I was excited about all the good friends around me who are pregnant and how good it was to be WITH them in this whole new process of wonder.
A week ago I was following my baby's growth each day in a daily pregnancy journal and wondering if I was eating the best possible things for my baby's growth and was carefully avoiding anything that might harm my baby.
So much has changed in a week. When we walked in to the lab for the appointment, we were excited and delighted at the chance to see our little one. We left in shock trying to adjust to the new reality that the pregnancy was not viable, and that which we thought was there all along, had stopped growing long before we knew.
Now begins the processing of taking all the little things we had begun to collect and move them into storage--the baby seat, the breast pump, all the little board books, the journal, the info from the midwife, the prenatal vitamins. I just want all of it to be out of sight for awhile.
I started a private blog for my baby--it didn't have many entries, but in each of the entries I wrote, I included things like, "I found out today that you are real and here," and "You are indeed for real and you're growing and changing inside of me". My body was continually changing and I was experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. As a result of the irony of what I was thinking and feeling versus what was actually happening--well, let's just say that my innocence is gone.
I've erased several endings which seemed to tie my thoughts up a little too neatly. Actually, they aren't neat at all. They're ragged and ugly and angsty and yet somewhere down there I know there is a line to hope. I just don't know how to get there and I'm actually not wanting to get there quite yet.
A week ago I happily unpacked two articles of clothing I bought online at a huge discount because they were out of season--I was so proud of myself. My first two pieces of maternity clothing bought with hope and expectation. I was looking forward to wearing them this summer when I was 7 and 8 months pregnant.
A week ago I happily told a few close co-worker friends that I'd be seeing my baby's heartbeat that afternoon at the ultrasound appointment.
A week ago I was deciding when to announce my pregnancy to the teachers at school and thinking about how I would adjust to staying at home with a new baby at the start of next school year.
A week ago I was excited about all the good friends around me who are pregnant and how good it was to be WITH them in this whole new process of wonder.
A week ago I was following my baby's growth each day in a daily pregnancy journal and wondering if I was eating the best possible things for my baby's growth and was carefully avoiding anything that might harm my baby.
So much has changed in a week. When we walked in to the lab for the appointment, we were excited and delighted at the chance to see our little one. We left in shock trying to adjust to the new reality that the pregnancy was not viable, and that which we thought was there all along, had stopped growing long before we knew.
Now begins the processing of taking all the little things we had begun to collect and move them into storage--the baby seat, the breast pump, all the little board books, the journal, the info from the midwife, the prenatal vitamins. I just want all of it to be out of sight for awhile.
I started a private blog for my baby--it didn't have many entries, but in each of the entries I wrote, I included things like, "I found out today that you are real and here," and "You are indeed for real and you're growing and changing inside of me". My body was continually changing and I was experiencing early pregnancy symptoms. As a result of the irony of what I was thinking and feeling versus what was actually happening--well, let's just say that my innocence is gone.
I've erased several endings which seemed to tie my thoughts up a little too neatly. Actually, they aren't neat at all. They're ragged and ugly and angsty and yet somewhere down there I know there is a line to hope. I just don't know how to get there and I'm actually not wanting to get there quite yet.
posted by J4CK13 at 11:45 AM
5 Comments:
Thanks for writing this, Jack. I'm very sorry for your loss, and hope that you never say anything neat and tidy about this heartbreak.
Much love.
Love you, Jackie.
I'm glad you feel safe to express yourself ragged, real, raw. I'm also sorry that you have to.
No words... just lots of tears and prayers and hugs.
Oh, Jackie, my heart goes out to you. Wish I could take the pain away. Please know you can take all the time you need to deal with this and adjust to the new reality. There's no hurry to "get over it." Sending you lots of love...
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